am i wrong if i’m thinking about dropping out of college now? bahahaha, it’s silly, i know, it’s too late. only one year more and i’ll be graduated from here. but seriously, i fed up with all these things about college lately. from 100%, i guess about 60-70% from what i feel is only either sadness, or distressed. there are so much songs which always somewhat pumped me up, yet whenever i listen to those songs, there were never come even the slightest image of walking on this path i’m walking on. it feels like i’m always missing the point here. i guess to move on from things that you love so much for years sure is harder than moving on from someone you love. i mean, really, unless that specific person could give you a reason on why you should continue to live, continue to walk on your life, then i guess s/he worth it. but if it’s not, then forget it.
i know that i might sound exaggerating, but to have a dream to work on place like Disney, Ghibli, or Square-Enix, or in other word, works that related to arts and designs, for about 8 years and reality seems like pulling you off from that, what would you feel? i guess this is one of so many reason on why i often (and easily) cry whenever i watch Disney’s, Ghibli’s, Square’s, or even games like Persona 4 and others. i always feel like maybe that’s where i belong, not here, not now. bahahah! yea yea, i know i’m coward for wanting to run away from reality like this. but whenever i look at my calendar, time sure is cruel. seems like it doesn’t want me to fully recover myself from being somewhat depressed last semester. and i really mean it. to have yourself almost disabled to do things and all you wanna do is cry… not only when it’s college season, but also about 2 weeks after holiday’s started. haha, i remember it correctly, how i spent most days from those 2 weeks cried in my room. silly i know, but i desperately needed something to make me feel better.
last week i was staying at my friend’s house. we had a slumber party with other friends there. and guess what, that’s what i really need. ever since that day, i feel much better. somehow i feel like ‘i finally found my place again’. it’s been a while since the last time i feel that way, it was on high school. before i went to that slumber party, you don’t know how depressed i was. there were a lot of things i wanted to do, i wanted to continue practice on drawing, finish my game, went out to take photos for drawing references. but it all became undone… all because i feel like i had no strength to do it all… i feel like all i wanna do was staying in my room, door closed, listen to some songs, and cry. still, i don’t know the concrete reason on why i felt that way though…
maybe, just maybe… all i want is a place where i feel i belong in there, and not some place where i spent more than half of my time half-heartedly. it’s not like i totally despise psychology, no, i still like it. it’s a science which taught me so many things, it’s able to fill up my curiosity. what i don’t really like is the situation on campus. i feel like everything feels so fake… no no, not my friends, of course. but everything else. it feels fake and full of coercion… sometimes i wonder, would it be like this when we started to be a grown up? what if i don’t wanna be a grown up? why is everyone, everything keeps on forcing us to be a grown up? what’s so special about being a fake who’s being eaten by the social’s system? to wear a mask almost everyday, to behave like how everyone expects us to, to have a smile on your face no matter how you feel like crying or fed up and simply just wanna throw it all up? to be nice to people you don’t even like? to not being able to express your emotion freely? to be tied on something called system and social things? are those what it mean to be an adult? i don’t get it. rather than moving on from ‘that specific someone’, i feel like it’s much much harder to move on from my childhood and my dreams…
some times i feel sick to be told by some people who think i’m more mature than people my age… what does it mean by being mature?? seriously, i don’t get it… all i want is just climbing up trees and fell asleep there, or just take a nap next to my dog on field full of grass with no one’s around, or have a running race with my friends, laughing until my stomach hurts and cry, or talking about nonsense like games, silly dreams, and such. i’m sick of all those adult ‘talks’ about marriage, works, relationship, or whatever. now i understand fully words that say “life is short”. heh, looking back and looking on my future, life is sure too short. that’s why we have to make choices in our life, simply because we can’t do everything we want, we have to choose which we’ll do and which we’ll leave behind, no matter how hard it is. life sure is giving us a no funny joke, eh? mekekekekeke!
again, is it wrong for me to feel this way?
